The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
