my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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