Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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