I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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