Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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