Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
