my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
