I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
