alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
