K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
