Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
