at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
