This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
