I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
