you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
