It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
