I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize