Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
