does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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