just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
