umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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