I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
