i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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