i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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