I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
