My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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