Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
