Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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