If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
