Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
