My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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