You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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