It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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