You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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