In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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