I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
