Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
