so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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