trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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