Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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