The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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