she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
