maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
how do you play pong handcuffed?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
