Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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