I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you had me at cake vodka
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
