i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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