So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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