Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
