awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
