38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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