Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
