at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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