Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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