I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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