My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
