this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I checked into jail on foursquare
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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