Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
