I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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