He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
