Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize