One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
