It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
