he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
