why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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